marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
