hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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