I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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