dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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