so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
