I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
