He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
