I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
