Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
