is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Everclear isn't food dammit
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
