I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
