You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
