I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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