It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
