just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
