I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have post one night stand depression
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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