i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
