You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
