thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
