Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
