my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
