since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
