i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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