woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
