Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
