Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
