I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
