honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
