I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
