please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
