I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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