if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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