Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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