I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
