You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
