You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
