so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
