why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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