Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
