Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
