I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
