Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
