im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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