Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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