evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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