News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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