question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
