You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
