My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
