I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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