i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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