Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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