I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize