id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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