Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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