It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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